Falling Off of the Wagon

Falling Off of the Wagon

8/29/11

                Calorie counting seems to actually be much harder than generally watching my carbohydrate intake. When I am doing both (loosely speaking) I almost feel the old panic at the thought of the “D” word trying to take hold.

                As I calculate out the last couple of weeks intake of food to the closest approximation of how many calories I ate, I realize that I have fallen off of the wagon somewhat. Tomorrow (once I am home and can better control what I am eating and where), I will work on getting back on the diet wagon. It’s not easy, but I do have the support and love of great friends and family who want me to succeed.

                It’s hard not to get down on myself for what I can only look at as a failure. I can’t seem to say no to certain things in my diet that I know are bad for me. For those of you who know me well, I am sure that you could guess right away what that primary thing is: Ranch. Ranch is bad for you on so many levels, and I can’t say no, especially when it is what I consider to be “good” ranch. This is something that I seriously have to work on. Luckily, since it is damned near impossible for me to find “good” ranch in a store, I don’t have it at home. My father would say that I should just eat the salad dry, but I have yet to be able to do that without getting depressed.

                It’s stupid, but so much about what will create even temporary situational depression in me is.

                Then, I have been travelling a lot, which might make it easier for some to stick to a diet, but not me. I go to hotels where they give me food, and I go straight for the steak, which, when one is counting calories, is *not* the best thing to be eating.

                Insert more kicking of self here.

                I know that I have to take this one day at a time.

                I know that the fact that I have been keeping a food diary (real time in Evernote that I eventually get around to posting here) is a good and positive thing that will help me get going in the correct direction.

                I know that the calorie and activity chart that my friend DS made up for me will help me to my goal of losing weight. By filling out and looking at exactly the way I am eating, I am better able to control what is going into my maw.

                I know I can do this, and that it is something that I have to remind myself of every day.

                I know that despite how ill I have been I need to get up and at least go for a small walk every day. It’s hard to do when constantly nauseous and dizzy, but I am forcing myself to work (which is pretty fucking important), and I can force myself to do this too.