Falling Off of the Wagon

Falling Off of the Wagon

8/29/11

                Calorie counting seems to actually be much harder than generally watching my carbohydrate intake. When I am doing both (loosely speaking) I almost feel the old panic at the thought of the “D” word trying to take hold.

                As I calculate out the last couple of weeks intake of food to the closest approximation of how many calories I ate, I realize that I have fallen off of the wagon somewhat. Tomorrow (once I am home and can better control what I am eating and where), I will work on getting back on the diet wagon. It’s not easy, but I do have the support and love of great friends and family who want me to succeed.

                It’s hard not to get down on myself for what I can only look at as a failure. I can’t seem to say no to certain things in my diet that I know are bad for me. For those of you who know me well, I am sure that you could guess right away what that primary thing is: Ranch. Ranch is bad for you on so many levels, and I can’t say no, especially when it is what I consider to be “good” ranch. This is something that I seriously have to work on. Luckily, since it is damned near impossible for me to find “good” ranch in a store, I don’t have it at home. My father would say that I should just eat the salad dry, but I have yet to be able to do that without getting depressed.

                It’s stupid, but so much about what will create even temporary situational depression in me is.

                Then, I have been travelling a lot, which might make it easier for some to stick to a diet, but not me. I go to hotels where they give me food, and I go straight for the steak, which, when one is counting calories, is *not* the best thing to be eating.

                Insert more kicking of self here.

                I know that I have to take this one day at a time.

                I know that the fact that I have been keeping a food diary (real time in Evernote that I eventually get around to posting here) is a good and positive thing that will help me get going in the correct direction.

                I know that the calorie and activity chart that my friend DS made up for me will help me to my goal of losing weight. By filling out and looking at exactly the way I am eating, I am better able to control what is going into my maw.

                I know I can do this, and that it is something that I have to remind myself of every day.

                I know that despite how ill I have been I need to get up and at least go for a small walk every day. It’s hard to do when constantly nauseous and dizzy, but I am forcing myself to work (which is pretty fucking important), and I can force myself to do this too.

8/20-23 Food diaries...

So, I was bad and forgot to post my food. I have been tracking it, though. :) You know, for anyone who cares. I have had a bad diet couple of days, but I will get back in the groove of things.

I have been finding myself getting depressed with the general quality of life I have been having. This nausea that I have been having all the time is making me totally miserable. I may write more on that later.

8/20
Breakfast: some cinnamon almonds and a coke zero.

Dinner: 12oz new York with cottage cheese, garlic cream sauce, salad with ranch

8/21

Breakfast/lunch: ellis island chicken, green beans, some rice,  salad with ranch and a diet coke.

dinner: double double with spread and tomato 

 

8/22

Breakfast: 2 sausage egg mcmuffins

lunch/dinner: port of subs 12" turkey provelone on wheat with mayo, oil, pepper, oregano, pickles, tomato. A brownie, and a bag of garden salsa sun chips

 

8/23

Breakfast/lunch: Grilled chicken, spinach, portobello mushrooms, some rice and a salad with ranch

Dinner: Grilled chicken, red baby russet potatoes, onions, baby carrots, lemon, pepper, garlic, banana creme pie

8-19-11 food diary

Breakfast/lunch: chicken pad Thai frozen dinner:

Some random food: 1 can or tuna with some mayonaisse, cilantro dressing.

dinner: carne asada quesadilla

 

 

8-18-11 Food Diary

Breakfast: (buffet) 2 1/2 breakfast sausage links, 1 cheese omelet, some bacon, 2 cheese blintz

Lunch: butternut squash ravioli frozen entree

Dinner: Double Double cheese burger with spread, tomato, cheese (I <3 in n out).

8-17-11 Food Diary

Breakfast: two chicken/feta/spinach sausages (90 cal each) and half of one gigantic peach  (31)

lunch/gorging time: salad. lots of salad. lots of tomatoes. cilantro dressing and 1 cup of ice cream (160x2cal)

Dinner: 1 little caesars cheese pizza (no crusts, so yeah!) (2000) and Crazy bread... (600)

Wow, this was a melt-down. Today was an official cheat day! Yeah.. i hadn't planned on an actual cheat day for at least another week. Looks like I am going to push the next one away for at least two weeks. Should I even fucking eat tomorrow? EGAD!

 

Also, check out my other blog for a general rant about today's cheat day on the diet. 

http://blossomingambitions.blogspot.com/2011/08/frustrated-self-loathing-and-general.html?zx=29e06ab8a9a565d

8-16-11 Food Diary

Breakfast: pad thai vegetable bowl

Snack: some cinnamon almonds.

Lunch/early dinner: bertolli pasta with vodka sauce thing

Dinner/late snack thing or something: Salad with tomatoes and cilantro dressing

Note to self: I had a bit many calories today, but for nervous eating, I am not doing too horribly, I think, maybe...

Okay, so I was bad today. Oh well. Tomorrow is a new day. For a nervous eating day, it wasn't *nearly* as bad as it could have been.

Diet as a Form of Control

Diet as a Form of Control

8-16-11

                Everything seems to be spiraling out of my control. My health is questionable and doesn’t seem to be getting any better. It’s one of the reasons I decided to go back on this fucking diet, even though the reason I went off of it in the first place was spiraling health.

                When  I had gone off the diet, I had figured that it would be for a week or two, and then I would be back on. Well, I went off of it, and I ended up gaining thirty pounds in thirty days because of bed rest and stuff like that. All that hard work went down the bloody toilet.

               

                Since everything has gone to hell in a hand basket, I made the decision to take back some control in my life. I cannot control my health at the moment. I can control what the fuck I put in my maw, though. Thus, the re-birth of this diet.

                Thanks to a new friend, this diet has gotten more strict. Not only am I watching carbs, but I am finally counting calories; this time with fewer complexes! So far, I have been successful keeping my intake below 2000 calories (except for the first day).

                As time moves on, it will get better… probably.

8-15-11 Food Diary

Breakfast: 1 giant peach and a coke zero.

lunch: 3 chicken/feta/spinach sausages and two tomatoes

Snack: some cinnamon almonds.

dinner: two pork chops and some portobella mushrooms 

 

 

Note to self: Cinnamon almonds are crack. I need to be careful with those.  They are okay on a generally lo-cal day like today, though.

8-14-11 Food Diary

Breakfast: Salad with cilantro dressing and tomatoes

Snack 90 cal cereal bar. Nomnomnom

Lunch: salad. Grilled chicken with portobello, sauteed spinach, sundried tomatoes, and a little bit of rice. Diet coke and water.

Snack : 1 roma tomato

Dinner: 20 chicken nuggets and some ketchup. rawr.

Where *Does* the Fat Go?

Where Does the Fat Go?

8-13-11

                I have done the diet before, though not quite as strict as I am doing it this time. Last incarnation of the diet (or, as I was calling it because I couldn’t handle it at the time, the “D” word) I was not counting calories. I was only counting carbs. This did work for a while. I started shedding pounds at the rate of about half a pound a day, then at day fifty, I hit the plateau. I dropped about five more pounds before I made the decision to go off of my diet, but I made no more progress for the few months before that.

               

                One thing I definitely remember from the diet, though, is where and how I lose the fat. I don’t have a gall bladder anymore (though, maybe I should have kept it and gone on the no fat diet that would have kept me from having so much pain that I wanted to kill myself, but too fucking late now… at least for the organ), and while my body still does produce the bile that I need to help me process fat thanks to my liver, it seems that my liver *still* does not know how to do that part of its job. So, every so often, if I wait to eat too long, and my body starts eating itself because it’s a glutton, or perhaps if I eat too much cheese or something, the liver will squirt out a ton of bile to flush the system, and boy howdy, does it flush the system!

                Where does the fat go? Well, I could go into graphic detail about the painful, debilitating, IQ dropping bowel movements I have (or at least, even more detail than that), but I will spare you. I can still pack on the pounds, mainly through carbohydrates, but I don’t process fat correctly. So, once my body starts eating the fat it goes right out, except for a small bit of processing where I get to experience old hormones from the teenage era (and other eras too). I said I don’t process it well, not that I don’t process it. Luckily, the rest gets flushed right out to get flushed right down.

                I have to remember to take my fiber (awesome stuff!) and everything will be okay. I hope. Why yes, I did write this after flushing down some fat. I am glad that you caught that, and if you didn’t, I just smacked you with it. I know, I am intensely considerate.

8-13-11 Food Diary

Breakfast: 2 plums and a coke zero. Big pink bottle of water. 

Lunch: a frozen meal of butternut squash ravioli 

Dinner: 2 small pork chops with portobello mushrooms, salad with cilantro dressing and tomatoes. 

 

Nomnomnomnomnom

8-12-11 Food Diary

Breakfast: 1 and 3/4 of gigantic peach. Pink bottle worth of ice water.

Lunch: chicken breast, portobello mushrooms, a little rice, spinsch, salad with ranch, glass of diet coke, glass of water.

Dinner: whopper with cheese, ketchup, mayo and and diet coke.Also had a diet snapple green tea



Overall, I have to say, I did better in the water department than yesterday. I could do better. I could also exercise more, but for that falling down thing. Oh well. One step at a time. Do what I can, when I can, and do everything else in its time and place. Or something.


My head hurts. :(

Went to the Doctor...

Went to the doctor 8/11/11

                So, I rescued a friend of mine, and ended up going into the doctor’s office with him (in the waiting room). I found out that the doctor he was seeing (nurse practitioner, but who cares? She’s nice, and good!) was the one who helped his wife with something *VERY BAD* (If I get permission from her to mention it, I totally will. If not, then, well, too bad.). She pointed her in the right direction and gave good referrals.

                Some of you know that I have been having trouble with my vision and some other issues post meningitis, so I had been planning to contact a doctor. However, I didn’t know who to see. Then, going with my friend, I ended up asking about possibly getting into see their doctor/nurse practitioner lady. I got in, basically the appointment after his. I had him come in with me (since I was going to be his ride home anyway) and I freak out at doctor’s offices, so he could shoot the shit with me while we waited, and I didn’t freak the fuck out.

               

                Going in, my blood pressure was high, because I was having flight or fight responses. I tested that theory with her later after I had calmed down and talked to her a bit. Before I left, they checked my blood pressure again, and it had gone down considerably, so she made a note about that (Holy fuck! A doctor that actually *listens* to me). She also said that any time I wanted to just randomly check my blood pressure, I didn’t need an appointment. I could just come in and they would do it, since, you know, my arm is too fucking fat to fit in the drug store cuffs. L

                I also found out exactly how fat my ass has gotten since I went off the diet, then got sick and put on bed-rest. I am at 348 pounds. It’s okay though. I have come down from 350 before I went off the diet during the horrific period of doom. I can do it again. This time, I can push past the stupid plateau. I know it!

                Anyway, I am tired, and my left eye hurts, making my head hurt. I will do a few more things regarding tracking of the diet stuff and exercise stuff, then I will lay down. Hopefully, I won’t have insomnia or nightmares. I am really sick of that shit.